Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness
When
someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment
and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
By Mayo Clinic Staff
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another.
Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague
sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. These wounds can
leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance —
but if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays
most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope,
gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path
of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
What is forgiveness?
Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and
thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always
remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you
and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness
can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for
the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility
for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can
forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind
of peace that helps you go on with life.
What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:
- Healthier relationships
- Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
- Less anxiety, stress and hostility
- Lower blood pressure
- Fewer symptoms of depression
- Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse
Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?
When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry,
sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges
filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you
allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find
yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.
What are the effects of holding a grudge?
If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing
anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your
life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the
present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your
life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your
spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness
with others.
How do I reach a state of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:
- Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
- Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how
this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
- When you're ready, actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you
- Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how
you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.
